微密圈

Play your cards close to your chest

No one need know how old you are unless you tell them. Of course inviting everyone along to your 50th birthday bash is a bit of a giveaway. If you happen to look younger, then prepare an age you are comfortable with 鈥� that鈥檚 realistic 鈥� so that when someone asks you, it just rolls off the tongue. There鈥檚 nothing worse than replying with the words 鈥淚 don鈥檛 talk about my age. It鈥檚 a sensitive issue鈥� because then everyone will be desperate to discover how old you really are.

Dress the part

Even if your looks don鈥檛 necessarily belie your years, try to dress young 鈥� although not to the extent that you鈥檙e baring your midriff and showing your belly button ring.

Dye your hair

Yes, there鈥檚 nothing more ageing than greys, and in this day and age, it鈥檚 even acceptable for men to do it. Just go to a good hairdresser who will blend in the dye 鈥� you don鈥檛 want to end up with a DIY two-tone look.

Don鈥檛 behave like a fuddy duddy

Okay, anyone younger than your good self is bound to be an irritant, but hey, it鈥檚 time to be tolerant. Don鈥檛 start tutting when you hear them relay tales of the previous evenings escapades or call their ipod choice of music a 鈥渂loody racket鈥�. Remember what you were like at their age and try to relate to them.

Watch your references

Especially when it comes to popular culture. Kids鈥� TV programmes, pop records, radio shows 鈥� they will all date you. If you make a reference to something no-one鈥檚 ever heard of, clearly because they have yoof on their side, cover it up quickly with 鈥淢y mum used to tell me about it鈥� or 鈥淚 was so small I can barely remember it鈥�.

Don鈥檛 dance like your dad at the Christmas party

This will age you like there鈥檚 no tomorrow. As will getting excited about Bananarama or The Carpenters. Equally pogoing to the Sex Pistols will show signs of life from a bygone era. Just remember to be restrained when the Arctic Monkeys are playing 鈥� or people may suspect you鈥檙e doing a Gordon Brown.

Be quirky, charismatic and fun

Show them what a character you are, and what an excellent laugh they can have with you and they鈥檒l soon forget the age gap. Never use phrases like 鈥淚 think I鈥檓 too old for that鈥�, even if you鈥檙e joking 鈥� colleagues will register it and remember it.

Don鈥檛 be caught fretting over your pension

Young people never pause to think about their pension contributions or the fact that one day they too will be old. You鈥檙e quite justified in worrying about how you鈥檒l live on peanuts, just do it quietly in the privacy of your own home.

Get to the top before the young turks

The best position to be in if you are 鈥渙ld鈥� is firmly perched on the peak of the pyramid. This way you can do all the bossing without worrying if you鈥檙e going to get the push. Who鈥檚 going to make you redundant now, eh? Well, possibly an ambitious young turk... Just make sure you recruit an army of fellow oldies to help you man the defences.

If things get bad, go legal

With the new anti-age discrimination laws, any jokes made about your age means you can threaten to sue. Take your grievance to human resources if you like, but seeing as they鈥檒l take aeons to sort it out, and at your age you can鈥檛 exactly play for time, you may be better off going straight to the top. The MD will be so petrified that the matter will be sorted out before you can say Stanna stairlift.